When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. When the “darkness” tries to run the show called life. I didn’t plan to write an essay this morning. My plan was to focus on writing the third workshop manual before I ran the workshop. So many items on today’s to-do list. However, the need to write this letter takes precedence. Something nudges me to sit down right now and start writing. I read someone else's letter, and I deeply resonated with their words. I, too, am intimately familiar with the darkness, the despair, the days spent hiding under the duvet, and the lack of motivation to do anything. Depression. It's a condition that affects over 80% of the UK population to varying degrees. Some get medical help and it works for them, others don’t bother seeking medical help. That is the group I fall into. I didn’t know I was suffering from depression. Everything was seen negatively. I was escaping into the world of books, movies and binge-watching TV. The funny thing is that I work as a holistic therapist, a professional who focuses on treating the whole person, including their physical, mental, and emotional well-being! Shouldn’t I have seen it? And why was I feeling the way I was? It was the inability to accept what is and wish for things to be different. In my case, it is my holistic business. For the last six years, I have worked hard to make it work, apart from the times when the “darkness” controlled my actions or inaction. And here comes Anja, the full-time writer. Will this endeavour be more successful? Is this in alignment with who I am and want to be? What does it mean to be full time writer? What type of writer shall I be? Or aspire to be? I measure my happiness in how successful I am. In my case, it does come down to the financial aspect. Without clients/students, I have no income. No income means I have to find a job. Finding a job that feels right, at my age, is not a walk in the park. Being German and living in the UK since 1992 is not helpful. My CV is very unorthodox—again, not very helpful. Why am I sharing this? I am not writing to gain pity but to share that I am a middle-aged woman starting over and doing something I truly enjoy, and the challenges I am facing. “Life happens for me, not to me”. I try to live by this mantra, reminding myself that even the most difficult moments can be opportunities for growth and learning. But there are days I am ready to punch fate on the nose. Accepting that I have a terrible day helps. Reminding myself that this, too, shall pass. The impermanence of life. Like the waxing and waning of the moon, life is fluid. When I observe what is going on, when I notice I am on a downward spiral, I can change that. “All suffering comes from the mind” – Buddha. I know my current situation; I allow myself to be worried and scared. At the same time, I take steps to change course—inspired and aligned steps, like writing this and sharing it. Surely, I am not alone in my struggle to live in alignment and be financially secure. I want to share the difficulty of transitioning from darkness to light. It's not easy, but it's one that's filled with hope and the potential for transformation. The duality of this reality is the dance between the two. How do you know the light if you do not know the darkness? How can I serve others if I did not struggle, didn’t look the abyss in the eye? I have been saying from the beginning that I walk my talk. No wonder I have this challenge. But this situation enables me to teach from a place of wisdom, understanding, and, most importantly, empathy. The difference between teaching knowledge and wisdom. Wisdom is the embodiment of knowledge. To live my dream life, which I do, the most crucial aspect is to do it. Show up and write, or create art, but show up. Show up on the dark days, perhaps write even more on those days. Thank you for reading. I hope you enjoyed my musings and ponderings. Much love Anja xx